Washington DC – President Biden has fired two of his top advisers; Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Mark Milley, and Secretary of Defense, Lloyd Austin. The president replaced both men with, The Magic Eight-Ball.
We spoke to the president about this and asked him why he made this unusual move:
“C’mon man. Those two numbskulls were full of malarky! All they ever talked about was, ‘tranny this’ and ‘social justice’ that. Too much gay talk and not enough action, if you ask me.
From now on I’m making all the big decisions using my trusty Magic Eight-Ball. She’s never steered me wrong. What I mean to say is, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ And my Magic Eight-Ball ain’t broke.
When I think about all the life decisions she’s help me make, it boggles my mind that she’s been right so many times. Think about this, I got married and had kids based on her advice. She taught me to be the father I am today!
I also got into politics because her answer was, ‘It is certain.’ When I asked if I would get enough votes to win the presidency, she said, ‘Don’t count on it.’ And I didn’t! Because of that answer, I hired thousands of people in swing states to ‘help’ me get the votes I needed. If it weren’t for that warning, I never would have made those people get me the extra votes I needed to get over the hump!
And how do think I knew Hunter was on drugs? ‘Without a doubt,’ was her answer when I asked her about it. And when we took money from China and Ukraine, know what my trusty Magic Eight-Ball said? ‘You may rely on it.’
The bottom line is this; stick to what works. Ooh, that reminds me…’Magic Eight-Ball, should we attack those Russian commie bastards with nukes?'”
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