“My fellow Americans, we’re fucked! I didn’t even write this speech, I’m just reading what they tell me to.
I must apologize for getting Americans killed in Afghanistan by forgetting to get them out before getting the military out, but I’m old and I forget things.
Again, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the high cost of oil, gas, and inflation throughout the entire economy. That’s on me. I closed the Keystone Pipeline and cancelled drilling leases on day one of my presidency. That’s what they told me to do and I did it. Who knew we’d have inflation?
I’m now going to say a bunch of platitudes saying we support Ukraine against Russia and President Putin, but at the end of the day, we’re not going to do a damned thing. We’re going to be loud and obnoxious and carry a twig because I don’t have a big stick. Putin is scary so I’ll just sit this one out.
Everybody must pay more taxes so we can waste it on the projects they tell me to. For example, they tell me to build windmills. I don’t care that the energy it takes to build a single windmill will never be offset by the energy that windmill produces over its entire lifetime. They tell me this is the right thing to do, damn it! And I’m doing it.
And on the Covid-19 mask thing and restrictions that we implemented that caused supply-chain issues? Oops. We were looking for behavior modification, not a medical or health outcome. We just wanted to see how easily you dumb Americans would do whatever we said. Thank you for that. We had fun. Don’t worry either, we all die, so…
Yes, I kept the southern border open so we can import as many future Democrats as possible. We don’t want to lose power. If we do, we’ll be poor, just like you. And I hear that sucks. They tell me to say things, but the border is open wider than Cher’s hoo-ha.
And in closing, I’d like to introduce this black lady who is a radical liberal to be our next Supreme Court Justice. She’s black, radical, and a woman. I checked off all the boxes with her, so again, you’re fucked.
Thank you, and is it nap time yet? Pudding?”
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