Cashiers and Security Guards Being Fired in Record Numbers

San Francisco – Both cashiers and security guards throughout the greater San Francisco area are being fired at an alarming pace.

For the past six months, these valued employees at small businesses have been idly standing by as looters freely steal merchandise with a value of less than $1,000. But that’s not why they’re being fired.

One former cashier explained it this way:

“We understand the new policy of letting looters steal everything in sight, and we’re fine with that. That’s how we were trained. We just sit back and watch. In fact, we’ve gotten used to it and actually help them find the items they want to steal. No problem. The reason the Security Guard and I were fired was because we forgot how to do our jobs. I mean, after six months, this lady comes up to me and wants to pay for a pair of headphones. I was shocked. I was like, ‘Really?’ I told her to wait a minute while I looked for my training manual. After about ten minutes of reading the manual to try and figure out how to use the cash register, the lady left! She didn’t even take her free headphones or nothing. Never seen that before. Yeah, we got fired ’cause the training here was terrible, that’s the truth.”

After our interview, both the cashier and the security guard filled several shopping carts with random items and headed down the street past the police station where several officers waved to them while holding half-eaten doughnuts.

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