Colin Kaepernick Says He Helped Bring San Francisco 49ers Closer to Super Bowl LVI

San Francisco – Colin Kaepernick, the mostly white, black activist and failed quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers, just gave a press interview where he took credit for the 49ers’ playoff defeat over the Green Bay Packers, despite not playing football for a number of years. His statement read as follows:

“That’s right, my Niners beat that Aaron Rodgers! That’s what you get for not following orders and not gettin’ the vaccine. Talk about not bein’ a team player. That boy needs to get his head outta his ass and realize he’s part of a team. There’s no ‘I’ in TEAM. Some people never learn and are just about me, me, me.

As far as our victory goes, I can honestly say that without me, San Francisco beat the number one Green Bay Packers. It’s because of me not bein’ on that field that the 49ers beat Green Bay. That’s what I did, that was all me. Imagine if I had been playin’. I would have thrown interception after interception and we would have easily lost. But I wasn’t there. I didn’t play – and we won, bitches!

It’s bitter-sweet though. Yeah we won, that’s the sweet part. But I wasn’t on the field makin’ a difference – that’s the bitter part. I was at home watchin’ that game on TV and not throwin’ interceptions or gettin’ sacked over and over. That’s my contribution. 

But I still say they should have a black quarterback. It don’t matter how good Whitey McWhiteface is throwin’ the ball on the field. What matters is equity through his skin color. Maybe that unknown black quarterback could grow up and be like me one day, a mediocre QB that quits and wins the Super Bowl by not playing. You never know.

Thank you. And buy these sneakers made by slaves in China.”

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