Moscow – Vladimir Putin, the Russian leader, made a public announcement Wednesday calling for Americans to emigrate to Russia, citing better economic conditions and more freedom than America has to offer. Following is an excerpt from Putin’s speech:
“Comrades in America, we would like to invite every American hearing this message a chance at freedom and prosperity. We have noticed that your country has been in sharp decline for the last 12 months. We are here to help.
In the last few years, Russia has seen explosive growth in both our economy and the freedoms enjoyed by our countrymen. For example, our people are enjoying financial prosperity like never before seen. The monthly welfare checks we give our people is more than double what the American government gives its people.
Additionally, we have no vaccine mandates. We believe the individual has the right to choose what is best for themselves. Medicine is not a one-size-fits-all proposition. If people die from getting or not getting the vaccine, that is their choice. Mother Russia is not your actual mother. Besides, we save that much more money which can be added to the growing welfare checks we give to our people that are still alive.
Our public housing is also much nicer than American public housing, and no one is homeless, unlike your people in California, Washington, and New York. In a short time, we will have some new beachfront property for all to enjoy. It will be very beautiful.
We also make sure every family gets free vodka every month when they pay their rent to the government. Vodka is much better than the drugs your government gives you to make you more passive and stupid.
Finally, I am your leader, not Mr. Biden. I am not 140 years old and I do not have dementia, or any other cognitive disability. My Vice President is a real man too. Unlike America, we do not promote losers or stupid people like you do. This makes no sense.
All we are saying is give Russia a chance. Please sober up and make the smart choice. Thank you.”
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