Children Identifying as Various Animals at School. Teachers Forced to Accept it.

Austin, TX – School districts are seeing an alarming rise in schoolchildren identifying as various animals, including cats, dogs, sharks, lions, tigers, horses, and even Furries (pictured above).

Initially, several intolerant teachers tried to dissuade the children from acting out their “fantasies,” but that attitude was quickly quashed once school district officials were contacted by some of the parents. A mother of a 7 year-old girl, who identifies as a bird, spoke to us and had this to say about her daughter:

“There is nothing wrong with children identifying as other animals. Who wouldn’t want to be something better than themself in these crazy times? I’m all for it. In fact, I’m proud that my little girl is a bluebird. I encourage it! She’s free of the societal bonds that tell people who they can be and what they can do. She’s free of all the guilt and shame that society cruelly inflicts on innocent kids! She’s a good bird too. She’s so cute when she chirps. You should see her.”

We spoke with a teacher who had an opposing view on the situation:

“I understand that kids have imaginations. I get that. But the time for imagination is after school, not when we’re trying to educate or indoctrinate them for eight hours a day in the classroom. It’s really distracting trying to ask little Johnny who the first president was and all he says is, ‘Woof,’ because he thinks he’s a dog. It’s just too much.

The damned principal had me put a litter box in the back of the classroom because we have two kids who think they’re cats and refuse to go to the bathroom like regular kids. Can you believe that? This appeasement of kids thing is just way over the top for me. If something isn’t done soon, I don’t know what I’ll do! I mean, what’s next? Kids identifying as smart just so they can pass a test? Or kids identifying as teachers so they can get a free paycheck? Where does it end?”

We thought the story ended there, but as we were leaving the school, police and an ambulance had just arrived. We asked an officer what happened:

“It’s a damn shame. Some kid climbed to the roof of the school and jumped off. Someone told her it’s okay to be a bird, so she jumped off the roof thinking she could fly. Reality said otherwise. Damned shame. Don’t know how this happens.”

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