Seattle – Wednesday, Starbucks officials announced an end to all vaccine and mask mandates for all employees and customers. Instead, they turned their attention to quietly spiking their coffees and other beverages with the Pfizer vaccine. When asked about this sudden change, a spokesman said:
“Our mandates were not popular at all. Not with employees, not with customers. Employees would refuse to wear masks or get the vaccine or just quit altogether. The same thing happened with our customer base. Many people just stopped coming in and buying coffee. They said it was too much of a pain in the butt. We had to come up with a solution, and we did.
We recently announced that all mandates for both masks and vaccinations have ended. That brought everyone back into our shops right away. Once business and capacity was near 100%, we quietly slipped the vaccine into all of our liquid products. This way we get the best of both worlds – safer customers and more of them. Plus, no more mandates! It’s a win-win.
And before your ask, no, we’re not worried about being sued. The people who live will thank us, the few who die, well, they really can’t sue us, can they? Again, win-win.”
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