Zuckerberg Adds Mandates Beyond COVID to All Employees. Comply or Goodbye!

Menlo Park – Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook and parent company, Meta, announced a new series of mandates for employees who want to keep their jobs. The mandates are aimed at keeping employees healthy and safe from anyone who might be infected in the future.

A current employee, who wished to remain anonymous, emailed us the actual email Zuckerberg sent to every employee which included the new rules. We feel compelled to publish this internal memo without reservation.

The letter reads as follows:

Dear Facebook/Meta employees,

This is Zuck. The team leaders and I feel that it is in the best interest of everyone at the company to be healthy. This goes beyond COVID restrictions or mandates. What I’m now requiring for all employees is an entire body transformation. A transformation into a clean and healthy lifestyle. Below is the list that everyone must comply with by the end of the month. These are non-negotiable. Anyone who does not comply will be terminated immediately:

  • Must be up to date an all vaccines,
  • Must wear a facemask per Dr. Fauci,
  • No smoking,
  • No illegal drug use,
  • No drinking alcohol, 
  • Weight must not exceed 190 lbs, 
  • Two hours of aerobic exercise while on company time, daily,
  • No sexual intercourse before marriage,
  • Must wear a helmet at all times while at work,
  • Must wear knee and elbow pads at all times while at work,
  • Lunches must not exceed 450 calories,
  • You must drink at least eight glasses of water during working hours (provided free of charge), 
  • Must pitch-in and help dust and vacuum your work area daily to prevent an excess of allergens,
  • Meditate or perform yoga for 30 minutes per day while at work.
    • Any written communications must not contain any offensive words, listed below (the same stuff we don’t allow on conservative Facebook pages) :
    • Asian, Oriental, Jew, Shylock, Conservative, Trump, Fairness, Rights, Guns (in any form), Midget, Dwarf, God (in any form), Lizard, Elon Musk, Ronald Reagan, Liberty, Constitution, Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, Freedom. 

This new list is for your own well-being and will lower our medical premiums. Anyone who does not comply will be terminated immediately, and possibly arrested.

Thank you for your cooperation.
Your Supreme Leader, The Zuckmeister.

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